About me - My Chronic Pain Journey

Hi, I'm Suzie! I’m a stay at home mum of two amazing girls, a toddler and a baby. I married the man of my dreams 5 years ago, and we've been renovating our typical 70s brick Queenslander for about the same time – it’s funny how renovations never seem to end!

Our new puppy Jasper is a cheeky cocker spaniel that loves our girls, much to my delight, as well as my shoes, much to my dismay!

I'm the sort of mum who loves being a mum. Sure, you'll hear me do my fair share of complaining about sleep deprivation, poo explosions and breastfeeding woes; or lament about toddler tantrums, toilet training woes and dinnertime food battles, but behind it all I cherish every minute. I'm the mum that misses them when I'm away from them for more than an hour, gazes at them while they sleep, and smothers my 3 year old with so many kisses she tells me ‘enough mummy!’ – and yes, when she tells me that my heart breaks just a little bit!

Life sounds picture perfect when it's laid out on paper like that, but there's a shadow over this picture... something people may know, but few can see. I live with debilitating chronic pain. I'm not a stay at home mum by choice, but because of my back injury. The start of my chronic pain journey was also the start of my life as a parent, so I have no idea what it's like to experience the highs and lows of motherhood without the black cloud of pain that constantly hangs over my head.

For me, being a mum has brought a whole raft of challenges that most new mums don't have to face. While a lot of new mums worry about sleep cycles, milk supply issues and losing baby weight, I was worrying about all of that too, as well as if I could take painkillers and breastfeed, if I had pumped enough breast milk for my baby to thrive while I was in hospital for surgery, or even just trying to find a way to put my daughter in her car seat without hurting my back.

I always knew I wanted to be a mum. I couldn't wait to have kids and I used to daydream about having a big pregnant belly, and how amazing it would be. When I was finally pregnant, my daydream pregnancy had turned into a nightmare. So instead I would imagine how amazing it would be to finally have my little baby girl and be free of pain, and be able to be the mother I had always wanted to be. Weeks after she was born I still couldn't stand up straight or get out in and out of a chair without help. I was counting down to the moment when surgery would ‘fix’ me and I could start living the perfect little life with my baby that I expected all along. It never eventuated.  Instead of going for coffee with my girlfriends and their babies, I was stuck in the waiting room at the doctor’s office. Instead of joining a mum and bub yoga class, I was going to post surgery rehab. No strolling around the shops showing off my gorgeous baby like I thought, in fact the first time I tried to go to a shopping center I had a panic attack so turned around and came straight home. I couldn't be alone with my baby, I needed constant help because even lifting and carrying a 4 kg baby to the change table was too much for me to manage. I felt so cheated. It all felt so unfair, especially because I couldn't blame anyone, it was just my own body sabotaging me - just plain bad luck.

My pain has been life changing. I can no longer feel 3 of my toes. Half my leg is permanently numb. I trip up when I walk because my achilles tendon has lost its reflex and my foot will suddenly drop mid step. My leg goes numb after walking or standing for around 10 minutes. My lower back constantly aches so much it feels like it's burning. If I move suddenly or sharply an electric shock will run down my leg. Sitting hurts. Standing hurts. I'm kept awake at night by the electric pulse that feels like it's running up and down my leg, and I toss and turn all night trying to make it stop. When my pain increases my basic ability to function stops. I can't think straight, I stop speaking mid sentence and don't even realise it, or I lose my thought and can't remember what I was talking about. I suck at listening to people when I'm in pain, and won't remember any details they give me. Remembering a new persons name? Not a chance! Worst of all when I'm in a lot of pain my tolerance levels are incredibly low and I am easily irritated and can be very snappy, and I hate this most of all. I constantly worry about the effect this has on my husband and my daughters.

I struggled (and still do) with depression and anxiety, and couldn’t come to terms with the fact I would be in pain for the rest of my life, with no hope of reprieve. Finally, I spoke to a psychologist and she has helped me accept my fate. She has helped me realise that I'm not a bad mother just because my physical capabilities have changed. I've accepted that nothing will take away my pain entirely but I have strategies that I try to put into practice on bad days, even though I still struggle a lot with this.

Since coming to terms with my chronic pain, I have been able to enrich our lives by growing our family with a second baby, another beautiful little girl. Adjusting to life as a parent of two while dealing with my chronic pain has certainly been increasingly challenging, and at times increasingly painful, but I still love every minute! At times I found it very lonely and isolating to be the only parent in my social circle with such a physically limiting condition, particularly one most people can't see. I certainly found it difficult to find any advice on coping with chronic pain and parenting young children, and found it difficult to find information about resources available in Australia, so I’d like to share with you what I've learnt along the way and my stories of parenting with chronic pain. You can take the journey with me, experience the highs and lows – and maybe even take away something useful!